When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
