i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
