atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize