You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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