Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
