Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Randomize
