This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
