He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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