god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
