Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
