Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
