just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize
