Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
