Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
