Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
