I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
