I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
