Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
