Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
