She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize