he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
