I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
