FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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