I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Be still, my beating vagina.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I did not marry a roomba.
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