never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
