Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
