I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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