i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
