Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
