oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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