The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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