evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
