I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
