he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
