Tell her she can't have a vagina
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
