I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
