Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I wish there were birth control emojis
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
