eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Why is there bacon in the couch?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
