So drunk its hurt
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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