I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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