Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
