he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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