a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
