I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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