Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
