dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
