Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
