I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
