Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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