Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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