I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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