I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
How's work?
Spinning.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
