The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I am naked and annoyed.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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