You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
