good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
