i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
